So... I'm a furry, a fursuiting one even
Well that doesn't seem so hard to say out loud right? Maybe... after a recent post by Soatok over at soatok.blog in regards to furries and the tech community (https://soatok.blog/2020/07/09/a-word-on-anti-furry-sentiments-in-the-tech-community/) it got me thinking about a lot of things really. First about how I have gone to some rather extreme lengths in the past to disassociate myself with the furry community in anyway possible. I mean, like the rest of you internet age kids I was raised by something awful and 4chan and so the thought of "being furry" was akin to sin.
Even now it's incredibly difficult to talk about, because quite frankly it's a reputation that follows you places and regardless of the legitimacy of criticism leveled against the community, the criticism is there none the less. And so, save a sacred few, until February if you had asked me if I was "furry" I would have flatly denied it. I remember talking in college about how I wanted to go to a furry convention to film the furries like I was Steve Irwin, and at the time it seemed like the only way to convince my friends that we should go to a furry convention.
Forgive my ignorance that was 10 years ago, but I hope it illustrates the difficulty it takes for me to come forward with this sort of thing. It's not like an LGBT+ sort of "coming out" and I would never think to compare my privileged ass to the troubles and hardships the folks in that community face, nor would I list "being a furry" as some kind of... I don't know, identity? It just happens to be a community that I found a lot of solace in.
Despite the drama, furries have always been the ones that seemed at the very least positive and friendly. Whenever I asked them about things they never turned me away or gave me a cruel eye (even if that is perhaps what they were thinking). They've always been nice to me and so I felt... accepted?
Watching a recent video from Samanth B's team on sending a reporter to a convention, one of the things really resonated with me. "We were the fat kid at school who got picked on, or the ackward one at the dance who stood against the wall. We were the one who for whatever reason craved social acceptance and never really found it among our peers. Who are we today? We're simply the ones who never forgot our childhood friends."
I've never been very social, and social anxiety haunts me in ways I can't even begin to describe. This little quarantine has almost been a blessing because for me it's everything I crave. Yet, just before the quarantine, I was wondering around Conooga, and I stumbled across the work of CritterHavenCostumes and thought and wrestled with myself. It wasn't about the cost of the fursuit, it wasn't about any of that, it was the fear of being associated with furries, of letting it be known that yes I really did want to fursuit because I watched all the furries at the convention having such an amazing time and wanted to be part of that.
But I swallowed my fears and I did it, and now here I am. I've meandered into furry discord channels and telegram chats, I've joined the local groups in town and for the first time for whatever reason it seems like a safe place to be myself even if I don't really know what "Myself" is.
That's a problem I'm having trouble coming to grips with even now. If you ask me in a public setting I will say "Cisgender, Heterosexual white male" and it makes the most sense to me, but I don't know if that's "who" I am. I don't know what I am really. The character (Alnarra and god help me if blizzard ever gets litigious and starts asking why my fursona looks suspiciously like a night elf druid) is a lady. I've lied in the past to others about why I rolled a female druid, and the truth is I honestly don't know
It wasn't a bet, it was because I wanted to do it. Does it make a difference that Alnarra is a lady and I'm not? I don't think so, I'd never describe myself as trans, I don't feel disphoria. Perhaps it is my self loathing, my disgust with my own body. I can't say for sure. Sexuality has always been a complicated topic because I just don't have much of a libido, at least not in the sense that I want to go out and have crazy sex ladies or fellows.
I don't know who or what I am, but I'm hoping maybe the furry community can help me at least start to answer these questions about myself because frankly they seem more open, free, and ok with themselves then anyone I've met. They talk about things and it feels like a conversation I could have with myself.
But I ramble, am sorry, just stray cat thoughts
Even now it's incredibly difficult to talk about, because quite frankly it's a reputation that follows you places and regardless of the legitimacy of criticism leveled against the community, the criticism is there none the less. And so, save a sacred few, until February if you had asked me if I was "furry" I would have flatly denied it. I remember talking in college about how I wanted to go to a furry convention to film the furries like I was Steve Irwin, and at the time it seemed like the only way to convince my friends that we should go to a furry convention.
Forgive my ignorance that was 10 years ago, but I hope it illustrates the difficulty it takes for me to come forward with this sort of thing. It's not like an LGBT+ sort of "coming out" and I would never think to compare my privileged ass to the troubles and hardships the folks in that community face, nor would I list "being a furry" as some kind of... I don't know, identity? It just happens to be a community that I found a lot of solace in.
Despite the drama, furries have always been the ones that seemed at the very least positive and friendly. Whenever I asked them about things they never turned me away or gave me a cruel eye (even if that is perhaps what they were thinking). They've always been nice to me and so I felt... accepted?
Watching a recent video from Samanth B's team on sending a reporter to a convention, one of the things really resonated with me. "We were the fat kid at school who got picked on, or the ackward one at the dance who stood against the wall. We were the one who for whatever reason craved social acceptance and never really found it among our peers. Who are we today? We're simply the ones who never forgot our childhood friends."
I've never been very social, and social anxiety haunts me in ways I can't even begin to describe. This little quarantine has almost been a blessing because for me it's everything I crave. Yet, just before the quarantine, I was wondering around Conooga, and I stumbled across the work of CritterHavenCostumes and thought and wrestled with myself. It wasn't about the cost of the fursuit, it wasn't about any of that, it was the fear of being associated with furries, of letting it be known that yes I really did want to fursuit because I watched all the furries at the convention having such an amazing time and wanted to be part of that.
But I swallowed my fears and I did it, and now here I am. I've meandered into furry discord channels and telegram chats, I've joined the local groups in town and for the first time for whatever reason it seems like a safe place to be myself even if I don't really know what "Myself" is.
That's a problem I'm having trouble coming to grips with even now. If you ask me in a public setting I will say "Cisgender, Heterosexual white male" and it makes the most sense to me, but I don't know if that's "who" I am. I don't know what I am really. The character (Alnarra and god help me if blizzard ever gets litigious and starts asking why my fursona looks suspiciously like a night elf druid) is a lady. I've lied in the past to others about why I rolled a female druid, and the truth is I honestly don't know
It wasn't a bet, it was because I wanted to do it. Does it make a difference that Alnarra is a lady and I'm not? I don't think so, I'd never describe myself as trans, I don't feel disphoria. Perhaps it is my self loathing, my disgust with my own body. I can't say for sure. Sexuality has always been a complicated topic because I just don't have much of a libido, at least not in the sense that I want to go out and have crazy sex ladies or fellows.
I don't know who or what I am, but I'm hoping maybe the furry community can help me at least start to answer these questions about myself because frankly they seem more open, free, and ok with themselves then anyone I've met. They talk about things and it feels like a conversation I could have with myself.
But I ramble, am sorry, just stray cat thoughts
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