Titling this as "coming out" to me almost seems, I don't know, derogatory to actual members of the LGBT community that have legitimately had to deal with issues of discrimination over their lifetimes. My own identity largely has not (so far as I'm aware) affected my life to any great degree. In many ways it is more a case of discovering my sexuality rather then having been aware of it and keeping it a secret.
In some ways I'm hesitant to write this in part because I know members of my family read this blog. It's not so much that I have some fear of acceptance from them so much as it can be a lot to explain and in many ways is a very awkward thing to explain. No one, and I do mean no one, likes talking about sex or sexuality in the south. In a choice between politics and sex lives I can think of perhaps two people I work with that wouldn't rather just talk about politics.
All that aside though, I figure I might as well put a stamp on this little scientific experiment of mine, because my hypothesis has enough supporting data that I'm fairly sure of it, or at least as sure as one can be about a matter that is admittedly as much "gut feeling" as it is data.
For those not in on the nomenclature, ase is short of Asexual, which is a sexual preference for no sex at all. There is a range of various degrees of asexuality (no different then the Kinsey Scale for hetero to homosexual I suppose). There are sex positive asexuals who don't mind sex but have no particular attraction to it themselves all the way to sex repulsed asexuals who actively do not wish to engage in it to any degree.
I suppose I would put myself closer to Sex positive, and if I had to slap a label on myself beyond just ase it'd probably be something closer to Autochorissexual. I've partaken in sex before, but as I've grown older and more aware of myself, it has become clearer and clearer to me that the actual act of sex holds no real interest to me, or I suppose acts as decidedly neutral.
Honestly, my first clue on this matter should probably have been finding the stories in the playboy magazine far more interesting then the pictures. But we can easily chock that up to arousal as a type, often times women don't get aroused at pictures like men do, so perhaps it's something like that right? But there were other signs that I certainly wasn't aware of at the time, but looking back of them all I can think is "Oh yeah no, that makes far more sense".
Moments when coworkers or friends would hoot and holler about a passing woman and how gorgeous they may look. Again at the time, I simply dismissed it as some kind of "evolved" and respectful perspective on women rather then much of anything else, not realizing that genuinely while I certainly can respect the female form, and understand what in my mind is beauty versus not, that in any of these circumstances I found no sexual arousal in really any of it.
Perhaps my complete disinterest in strip clubs, not because they were skeevy, but rather because I was fairly certain I'd just be bored and uncomfortable the entire time. I'm sure over the years there have been numerous symptoms of the matter that I've simply not picked up on, but the point remains.
Luckily, my partner whom I've been seeing for the last half year now, is one, very understanding of the matter and two willing to let me sort of explore this for myself. It's been good to have, I suppose, closure on things. You can't imagine how many hours were spent trying to diagnose and overanalyze what may be wrong with me be it physical or mental.
In fact, the ADHD Test / Diagnosis / Medication as well as the Sleep Apnea Test / Treatment were also largely in part to help eliminate those as possible physical or mental components to a lack of arousal. I suppose one might say they've helped sure up my experimental data on the matter.
I'm also starting with regular visits to a therapist out of Nashville starting in late February to help better sort of explore this topic for myself. It's nice to think of myself, and not think I'm just broken in someway that I don't understand. It is nice to be confident of what I do and don't want from a relationship. So... yeah, I guess that's my story.